Home : Wit
taken from actual resumes and cover letters and were printed in Fortune
"I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience."
2. "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet
3. "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
4. "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
5. "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
6. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
7. "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
8. "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
9. "You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time."
10. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
11. "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
12. "Martial status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."
13. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
14. "I am loyal to my employer at all costs…Please feel free to respond
to my resume on my office voice mail."
15. "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and
16. "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training
in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock
17. "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
18. "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
19. "As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments."
20. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
21. "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have
never quit a job."
22. "Marital status: often. Children: various."
23. "Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get
to work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn't
work under those conditions."
24. "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."
25. "Finished eighth in my class of ten."
26. "References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me."
quotes were taken from actual performance evaluations:
"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom
and has started to dig."
2. "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid
3. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
4. "This associate is really not so much of a has-been,
but more of a definitely won't be."
5. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered
like a rat in a trap."
6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only
to change whichever foot was previously in there."
7. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
8. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
9. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently
fails to achieve them."
10. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
11. "This employee should go far-and the sooner he starts, the better."
actual lines from military performance appraisals:
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
2. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
3. A room temperature IQ.
4. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
5. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
6. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
7. A prime candidate for natural deselection.
8. Bright as Alaska in December.
9. One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.
10. Donated his body to science before he was done using it.
11. Fell out of the family tree.
12. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't.
13. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
14. He's so dense, light bends around him.
15. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
16. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
17. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
18. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
19. One neuron short of a synapse.
20. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
21. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
KNEW I WAS IN BIG TROUBLE AT WORK WHEN…
new policy on sexual harassment included a photo of me.
…the Security guard made a complete inventory of my work area.
…my assistant began responding to my memos with, "Yeah, whatever."
…my new Pentium was replaced with an 386sx-16 last weekend.
…the Human Resources Department requested an update of my arrest record.
…the Boss asked if I still had a copy of my 5 year contract.
…I noticed co-workers measuring my office when I arrived at work.
…my parking spot was relocated next to the dumpster.
…my assistant says things like, "Pick up my dry cleaning on your way
…a large paper recycling box was placed next to my file cabinets.
…the receptionist began saying "Who??" to anyone calling on me.